Sermon

MAY 20, 2007

The Fear Factor:  Fear of Rejection

John 17:20-26

May 20, 2007

Lately I have been reading Dave Barry's "Guide to Guys," and I have found it very useful.  I want to share with you an example:

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.  Of course, this guy has to be a Labrador retriever.  With human guys, it's extremely difficult.  This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.  And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:  "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself:  I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thins I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. 

And Roger is thinking:  Six months. 

And Elaine is thinking:  But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level?  Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?  Toward a lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level of commitment?  Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:....so that means it was...let's see....February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.  And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.

And Elaine is thinking:  He's upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.  He's afraid of being rejected!

The word "rejection" means "to throw" or "to throw back."  Social rejection is an interpersonal situation that occurs when a person or group of people exclude an individual from a social relationship.  In medicine, transplant rejection usually refers to the immune reaction of a host organism to a foreign biological tissue, such as in an organ transplant.  In manufacturing and technology, rejected components are ones that do not meet standards because they are faulty, broken or do not work in some way.  Rejection and fear of rejection occur not only socially, but at work and in our most vulnerable of places.  Some level of rejection is an inevitable part of life.  Rejection can be emotionally painful, though, because of the social nature of human beings and our basic need to be accepted in groups.  Abraham Maslow and other theorists have suggested that the need for love and belongingness is a fundamental human motivation.

The short-term effects of rejection have been studied.  One common experimental technique is the "ball tossing" paradigm, which involves a group of three people tossing a ball back and forth.  Unbeknownst to the actual participant, two members of the group are working for the experimenter and following a pre-arranged script.  In a typical experiment, half of the subjects will be excluded from the activity after a few tosses and never get the ball again.  Only a few minutes of this treatment are sufficient to produce negative emotions in the target, including anger and sadness.  This effect occurs regardless of self-esteem and other personality differences.  A computer version of the task known as "cyberball" has also been developed and leads to similar results.  Surprisingly, people feel rejected even when they know they are only playing against the computer.

Fear of rejection and, unfortunately, rejection itself, is alive and well today.  Fear of rejection is the irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe, and how I act.  It is the driving force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings.  They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process.  It is the underlying process in the power of "peer pressure," and, for some people, especially teens, it is the driving force for all actions in their lives!

The person who operates out of a fear of rejection ends up pushing away the very friends, family, and helpers who care for her/him.  This pulling away appears to be rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on.  

Two weeks ago, I visited with our 2007 confirmand class about what it means to call yourself a Christian.  We talked about what it means to be chosen - or not chosen.  Members of this class, for the most part, are finishing sixth grade.  Many of them talked about how it felt not to be chosen, or to be rejected, when it came time to choose up teams for some athletic event.  It was painful.  They suffered.

Thankfully Jesus knew all about rejection!  He was "despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering."  (Isaiah 53:3)  There would be little or no point in believing in a creator or savior that wasn't familiar with our sufferings.  There is a deep mystery in suffering and rejection that actually teaches us about the meaning and value of love.  For it is only when rejected that we are forced to re-think and question our values and beliefs.  Who are we anyway?  What are our core values?  A curious discovery by Paul "Tournier, the noted Christian physician and counselor, is that roughly three-fourths of those who become celebrated achievers are estimated to have suffered serious emotional deprivation or hardship in childhood.  Many have been orphans.  Because they feel so worthless inside, because they have been rejected, they will work themselves practically to death trying to have some value.  And, as a result of that, many of them become quite successful.   

Today's scripture is actually a prayer, a prayer to God by Jesus on behalf of the disciples, on behalf of the church.  It is Jesus' last prayer before his arrest.  He prays not only for his disciples but for all disciples to come, that we may be one, that our confirmands may be one, that our church may be one, that the world may be one, that we will know that God loved us enough to come be with us, that we may be brought to complete unity, and that we may know that God loves the world and each of us, as God loved Jesus! 

When we have a fearful heart, we forget that God is not only the author of all things, God is also the God of promise, of the things that will be, of new creation, of the future, of tomorrow.  God is the Alpha and Omega!  It was Jesus' prayer that we feel, each of us, God's presence, God's acceptance, as Jesus did!  Once that happens, we can handle rejection; we can afford to be our authentic selves.

Today, we are baptizing (have baptized) a child who has purposefully been named Leighton - in honor of Rev. Dr. Leighton Ferrell, recently deceased and lovingly remembered by thousands.  For many years Dr. Ferrell served as senior pastor of Highland Park United Methodist Church.  It was a prestigious position.  First UMC, HP is always the first or second largest United Methodist Church in the United States.  I had the opportunity just a few years ago to sit with Dr. Ferrell at a small table during a Bible study.  Our assignment was to share our favorite Bible passage and to state why.  I anticipated that somehow Dr. Ferrell would have a profound passage of scripture!  He had two, and they surprised me with their simplicity.  One was a New Testament passage and the other - the 23rd Psalm.  He said it brought such comfort - through any kind of ordeal one might encounter.  Not long after that he was diagnosed with cancer.  I am comforted to remember how he spoke with such confidence and such assurance of God’s presence. 

In talking to my senior pastor at the time, he told me another story about Dr. Ferrell.  He said that as a new district superintendent, he was invited to Highland Park United Methodist Church to attend an important meeting there with other district superintendents.  Dr. Ferrell was there with the new bishop at the time.  When the meeting was over, Dr. Ferrell called upon my senior pastor to pray.  He held forth for quite some time, praying a hopefully impressive sort of prayer before that noted group.  When everyone was departing, Dr. Ferrell followed my senior pastor out into the hall and pulled him aside.  He said, "Phil, who were you trying to impress and to whom were you praying in there?  You need to remember to be yourself.  You weren't praying to any of us in there.  You were praying to God, and God knows who you are and whose you are.  Do you?"

Today, we come to confirm ten persons who claim to know whose they are.  As long as they know whose they are, they should be very comfortable with who they are.  And you, become good students of the Word, and let God dispel in you any fear of rejection.  People may reject you, but God will not!  Let God give you unspeakable joy, a peace that passes understanding and an awareness that you are loved as Jesus was loved.  Amen.  

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